Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I Am (wait for it!)

"I'm a troublemaker; never been a faker; do things my own way; and never giving Up."  So, lately I have been causing trouble for myself.  I have been letting my own destructive ways create havoc on my otherwise happy existence.  I have let all that troubles me fester inside and the bottle has explode.
"I can't confront you, I never could do
That which might hurt you so try and be cool
When I say, "This way is a water slide away from me
That takes you further every day, hey, so be cool"  
Yesterday, I had a meltdown and when everything has been let out on the table (I curtsy in my head) and went on my way.  I tried to collect myself but, at last, I let it all out in a uprising sorrow.
As a writer, I can meditate the write words and they appear on my paper but I fail miserable when put on the spot.  Even if I somehow work things out in my head, when confronting another my tongue get so twisted and I end up spattering things out.
I do not know why I simply let myself get so caught up in another to the point where I am lost.  I become a whisper of myself.  This is not good.  I do not want to become a splinter.
"like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight"  I can only comfort myself.  And the best way is to crack up but I am bless because I remember music.
I go to what I have the fortunate to come across and let the songwriter sing for me.  This morning the sun came out and it is a new day.  Yesterday is gone.  "I am just waiting until the shine wears off."
No comments for I am going to keep this one personal.

I do not know how to be proper when it comes to relating with another.  I think it is because I can be either or/neither nor.  One the outside I can smile but but my body's twitching will give me away.

Truth  I am looking for a lifetime of devotion.  I think I am worth it for I can be quite loyal.  Okay; for real; I am trying my damn hardest to not have my tail between legs and scamper away.  "A taste of honey is worst than none at all"

Okay what is left but to play two songs (unrelated) and can you find the meaning to why they coexist with one and another?
I suppose, it is the inner fight between something golden.  It is a power struggle and I want to lose for I want to be free.  I feel that losing does not mean that I am a quitter, I just simply lost.  I have found my match; I am with some one I cannot deviant from.  Maybe I do not know how to put it in words but he is not a smell, not a sound, not a sight, not a taste, not even a touch.  (I doubt, my spirit would be it usual lingering self.)

May I be bless and find some way to cope and carry on.  

According to David Augsburger: Forgiveness is letting what was, be gone; What will be, come; What is now, be.


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